JDoub said:read the article, didn't read all the comments.
I believe you Aime.
I'm a Bobcat, and do no want to be associated with anyone like Jay.
I wish I could apologize for him. I wish I could say for him "I apologize. I came on to you incessantly when you clearly didn't want me to, betraying my wife and family, betraying you as a professional and a decent human being. I traumatized you and I was, and am, completely wrong and ashamed. What can I do to make this right by you? You get to decide."
But abusers, groomers, and narcissists don't say those things. They rarely repent, or confess.
I wish Jay would become part of the solution, but he's part of the problem. I hope he sees that someday, and he has the courage to do serious introspection.
Keep being strong, and take trauma seriously -- it's so much more powerful and complicated that most think, it can actually change neurological structures of the brain, and needs to be understood and treated competently.
I actually hurt with you, but admire you for not taking his shit right now. I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's not supposed to be this way.
by Spanky2 » Tue Jan 08, 2019 6:40 pm
Catfish: that’s fair, then perhaps people shouldn’t pass judgment until the information is revealed.
AZGrizFan said:GGNez said:JDoub said:read the article, didn't read all the comments.
I believe you Aime.
I'm a Bobcat, and do no want to be associated with anyone like Jay.
I wish I could apologize for him. I wish I could say for him "I apologize. I came on to you incessantly when you clearly didn't want me to, betraying my wife and family, betraying you as a professional and a decent human being. I traumatized you and I was, and am, completely wrong and ashamed. What can I do to make this right by you? You get to decide."
But abusers, groomers, and narcissists don't say those things. They rarely repent, or confess.
I wish Jay would become part of the solution, but he's part of the problem. I hope he sees that someday, and he has the courage to do serious introspection.
Keep being strong, and take trauma seriously -- it's so much more powerful and complicated that most think, it can actually change neurological structures of the brain, and needs to be understood and treated competently.
I actually hurt with you, but admire you for not taking his shit right now. I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's not supposed to be this way.
:clap: :clap: :clap:
You understand the complexities of trauma and the dynamics of this issue. You see clearly the further damage done when ignorant remarks simplify a complex matter by questioning the victim's integrity for many reasons; timing, method of reporting, hesitance, etc. Great post. My hope is that one day people will take it upon themselves to study the answers to their questions about these matters rather than pelting the victims with accusatory questions and comments. Why did you wait to tell? Why did you trust for so long? Why wouldn't you just do....this....that...? Google it, folks. Throwing those types of questions at victims and telling them why you would have handled things differently is placing blame on someone who has already been victimised. It's that simple.
Thanks for this, JDoub.
How can we study (or ever learn) the answers to the questions if we're not allowed to ask them of someone who's been victimized?
GGNez said:AZGrizFan said:GGNez said:JDoub said:read the article, didn't read all the comments.
I believe you Aime.
I'm a Bobcat, and do no want to be associated with anyone like Jay.
I wish I could apologize for him. I wish I could say for him "I apologize. I came on to you incessantly when you clearly didn't want me to, betraying my wife and family, betraying you as a professional and a decent human being. I traumatized you and I was, and am, completely wrong and ashamed. What can I do to make this right by you? You get to decide."
But abusers, groomers, and narcissists don't say those things. They rarely repent, or confess.
I wish Jay would become part of the solution, but he's part of the problem. I hope he sees that someday, and he has the courage to do serious introspection.
Keep being strong, and take trauma seriously -- it's so much more powerful and complicated that most think, it can actually change neurological structures of the brain, and needs to be understood and treated competently.
I actually hurt with you, but admire you for not taking his shit right now. I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's not supposed to be this way.
:clap: :clap: :clap:
You understand the complexities of trauma and the dynamics of this issue. You see clearly the further damage done when ignorant remarks simplify a complex matter by questioning the victim's integrity for many reasons; timing, method of reporting, hesitance, etc. Great post. My hope is that one day people will take it upon themselves to study the answers to their questions about these matters rather than pelting the victims with accusatory questions and comments. Why did you wait to tell? Why did you trust for so long? Why wouldn't you just do....this....that...? Google it, folks. Throwing those types of questions at victims and telling them why you would have handled things differently is placing blame on someone who has already been victimised. It's that simple.
Thanks for this, JDoub.
How can we study (or ever learn) the answers to the questions if we're not allowed to ask them of someone who's been victimized?
Google it.
Google the effects of trauma on the brain. Google every question you’d want to ask a victim. Why didn’t you speak up right away? Why didn’t you scream? I would have punched him, why didn’t you?
I don’t mind being asked because I’ve chosen to become an educator about these issues. But, in the midst of trauma when you’re being called a liar, often being threatened - hearing “how could you let that happen to yourself” in various forms is being kicked while you’re down.
That’s why I encourage people to educate themselves; so that when abuse of any sort is disclosed, you don’t inadvertently kick someone while they’re down.
PlayerRep said:AZGrizFan said:GGNez said:JDoub said:read the article, didn't read all the comments.
I believe you Aime.
I'm a Bobcat, and do no want to be associated with anyone like Jay.
I wish I could apologize for him. I wish I could say for him "I apologize. I came on to you incessantly when you clearly didn't want me to, betraying my wife and family, betraying you as a professional and a decent human being. I traumatized you and I was, and am, completely wrong and ashamed. What can I do to make this right by you? You get to decide."
But abusers, groomers, and narcissists don't say those things. They rarely repent, or confess.
I wish Jay would become part of the solution, but he's part of the problem. I hope he sees that someday, and he has the courage to do serious introspection.
Keep being strong, and take trauma seriously -- it's so much more powerful and complicated that most think, it can actually change neurological structures of the brain, and needs to be understood and treated competently.
I actually hurt with you, but admire you for not taking his shit right now. I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's not supposed to be this way.
:clap: :clap: :clap:
You understand the complexities of trauma and the dynamics of this issue. You see clearly the further damage done when ignorant remarks simplify a complex matter by questioning the victim's integrity for many reasons; timing, method of reporting, hesitance, etc. Great post. My hope is that one day people will take it upon themselves to study the answers to their questions about these matters rather than pelting the victims with accusatory questions and comments. Why did you wait to tell? Why did you trust for so long? Why wouldn't you just do....this....that...? Google it, folks. Throwing those types of questions at victims and telling them why you would have handled things differently is placing blame on someone who has already been victimised. It's that simple.
Thanks for this, JDoub.
How can we study (or ever learn) the answers to the questions if we're not allowed to ask them of someone who's been victimized?
I agree. In some situations, including this one, I don't immediately conclude that she was victimized just because she may have said she was. I think the actual facts need to be ascertained. In some situations, it's clearer. Was the JJ accuser victimized, or was JJ the actual victim?
I'm sorry, but I just don't buy all the phrases and political aspects of things like this. Victimization. Rape culture. Victim blaming. Jeez, get the damn facts first, and the only way to do that is by asking questions.
I don't believe all women or all men should be believed and assumed to be telling the truth. Women lie; men like. Women exaggerate; men exaggerate. There needs to be, and is, a system for determining the truth, and who may be lying or exaggerating. There is a thing known as due process. The new Trump/DeVos rules in college Title IX sexual assault have rewritten the standards and procedures, more as they should be. It is no longer just the Obama stuff of believe the accuser (especially if it's a woman) and don't believe the guy.
PlayerRep said:JDoub said:read the article, didn't read all the comments.
I believe you Aime.
I'm a Bobcat, and do no want to be associated with anyone like Jay.
I wish I could apologize for him. I wish I could say for him "I apologize. I came on to you incessantly when you clearly didn't want me to, betraying my wife and family, betraying you as a professional and a decent human being. I traumatized you and I was, and am, completely wrong and ashamed. What can I do to make this right by you? You get to decide."
But abusers, groomers, and narcissists don't say those things. They rarely repent, or confess.
I wish Jay would become part of the solution, but he's part of the problem. I hope he sees that someday, and he has the courage to do serious introspection.
Keep being strong, and take trauma seriously -- it's so much more powerful and complicated that most think, it can actually change neurological structures of the brain, and needs to be understood and treated competently.
I actually hurt with you, but admire you for not taking his shit right now. I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's not supposed to be this way.
So, your view is that the announcer was coming on to the reporter and betraying his wife and family, based on what? Anything other than one night of texts when he tried to get her to come down for a drink and texted this?
"“Come down here. We can get drunk and make bad decisions! Lol!!!”
“Looks like we have a love connection!!”
“Don’t fight it…”
“No you don’t. You LOVE me… And you know it! Hahahaha It’s ok, I won’t tell!” Sanderson replied.'
You are sure that that isn't banter between friends, or sort of friends, or minor flirting? You take all of what he said as being serious, and not joking, or semi-joking?
What if other people were to say that the reporter was very social and a flirt at the functions?
What if others were to say that, at least at this time, these two seemed to be friends?
I'm not going to support the guy, or even say that this type of stuff, especially if there was more of it, isn't sexual harassment, but I don't conclude on the basis of what I've read that the guy is a "douche", or that this was a "come on" or certainly not much of one, and that this betrayed his wife and family.
Didn't they know each other for something like 18 months? While not appropriate, if this is all the guy has for moves or a "come on", I don't think his weak attempt or ineptitude was going to get his very far.
Just playing lawyer and devil's advocate. And again, I would have no problem if Learfield/MSU had fired him based just on the one text chain and her saying he grabbed her butt. But, they must have known about those facts for months (since shorty after Sept. 25, or before), and then probably the preliminary conclusion in the draft report in early December, and yet they appear to have done nothing to fire him. Does that not tell you that there may a bit more to this story?
I don't know why she continued to respond to and text with him. Why didn't she just not respond? Why didn't she say: "This is inappropriate and I don't like it. Stop sending me texts." Or, even be stronger, and say: "Stop this or I'm going to talk to (your boss)."
JDoub said:PlayerRep said:JDoub said:read the article, didn't read all the comments.
I believe you Aime.
I'm a Bobcat, and do no want to be associated with anyone like Jay.
I wish I could apologize for him. I wish I could say for him "I apologize. I came on to you incessantly when you clearly didn't want me to, betraying my wife and family, betraying you as a professional and a decent human being. I traumatized you and I was, and am, completely wrong and ashamed. What can I do to make this right by you? You get to decide."
But abusers, groomers, and narcissists don't say those things. They rarely repent, or confess.
I wish Jay would become part of the solution, but he's part of the problem. I hope he sees that someday, and he has the courage to do serious introspection.
Keep being strong, and take trauma seriously -- it's so much more powerful and complicated that most think, it can actually change neurological structures of the brain, and needs to be understood and treated competently.
I actually hurt with you, but admire you for not taking his shit right now. I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's not supposed to be this way.
So, your view is that the announcer was coming on to the reporter and betraying his wife and family, based on what? Anything other than one night of texts when he tried to get her to come down for a drink and texted this?
"“Come down here. We can get drunk and make bad decisions! Lol!!!”
“Looks like we have a love connection!!”
“Don’t fight it…”
“No you don’t. You LOVE me… And you know it! Hahahaha It’s ok, I won’t tell!” Sanderson replied.'
You are sure that that isn't banter between friends, or sort of friends, or minor flirting? You take all of what he said as being serious, and not joking, or semi-joking?
What if other people were to say that the reporter was very social and a flirt at the functions?
What if others were to say that, at least at this time, these two seemed to be friends?
I'm not going to support the guy, or even say that this type of stuff, especially if there was more of it, isn't sexual harassment, but I don't conclude on the basis of what I've read that the guy is a "douche", or that this was a "come on" or certainly not much of one, and that this betrayed his wife and family.
Didn't they know each other for something like 18 months? While not appropriate, if this is all the guy has for moves or a "come on", I don't think his weak attempt or ineptitude was going to get his very far.
Just playing lawyer and devil's advocate. And again, I would have no problem if Learfield/MSU had fired him based just on the one text chain and her saying he grabbed her butt. But, they must have known about those facts for months (since shorty after Sept. 25, or before), and then probably the preliminary conclusion in the draft report in early December, and yet they appear to have done nothing to fire him. Does that not tell you that there may a bit more to this story?
I don't know why she continued to respond to and text with him. Why didn't she just not respond? Why didn't she say: "This is inappropriate and I don't like it. Stop sending me texts." Or, even be stronger, and say: "Stop this or I'm going to talk to (your boss)."
OK I'll bite. once.
I tend/choose to believe her based on experience, and unwanted education spurred by my wife's abuse, then over 3 years of fighting legal battles and the fallout, in getting to know a couple dozen women and a couple boys who lived through grooming, CSA, abuse, and the common progression of objections like yours, and the amazing therapist that saved my wife's life. Everything in the article screams classic grooming behavior.
I actually am open minded, Aime could be in the 3-5% of women who lie about what happened, but I doubt it. Her situation here sounds nothing like Crystal Magnum to me. If she is, shame on her, and I'll be first to apologize to Jay. The facts presented in the article, if true, hit all the markers for me. I have lived the damage done to my wife and other women (and a boy) I care about, and most people who haven't lived through it just don't get it. It's passe now to me to listen to the same objections and seemingly rational 'we don't know the truth' thought paths. we know more. victim blaming does more damage than vindicating Jay if she is in the 3-5%. This is nothing like the JJ case. If Amy is indeed in the 97% who tell the truth then she is and will be re-traumatized right now, and will likely be in the 80+% who move into suicidal ideation not necessarily just from what Jay did to her, but by the neurological trauma that f***[*] up rational cognition, often cemented by not being believed, then vilified (classic victim blaming). It's not about "poor victim mentality" to me - it's about defending and protecting our women and children.
One of my sisters was in that 3-5% liar group at one time - repressed memories, which is a very, very different issue all together. Spade is a spade.
I've read 100+ articles, books, studies, cases, etc. the past 3 years in this subject area. I've gotten to know at least a dozen survivors of everything from rape, to harassment, and came to understand the neurological effects of trauma do not depend on the severity of the act itself. Survivor advocates (like Brenda Tracy) are some of the most courageous and heroic people I now know. I didn't choose this path. And I had no idea how many survivors walk among us, and I've now known 2 that have taken their own lives, and another that tried. My impression is based on my own education and life experience. (and I'm a political conservative, go figure)
Toxic masculinity.PlayerRep said:I'm sorry, but I just don't buy all the phrases and political aspects of things like this. Victimization. Rape culture. Victim blaming.
Well I guess we will just have to wait until the voice of the bobcats gets all his texts from Verizon and then authorizes the release of the final confidential report to clear his name to all the haters...if he has the nuts. I wouldn’t hold your breath. So is one hand okay and two hands not so much?Spanky2 said:How many comments did he make to her and over what period of time? How many texts did he send and over what period of time? Did she respond to any of his texts? Did he put either or both of his hands on her posterior?
kemajic said:Toxic masculinity.PlayerRep said:I'm sorry, but I just don't buy all the phrases and political aspects of things like this. Victimization. Rape culture. Victim blaming.
Dutch Lane said:kemajic said:Toxic masculinity.PlayerRep said:I'm sorry, but I just don't buy all the phrases and political aspects of things like this. Victimization. Rape culture. Victim blaming.
No need to be sorry for your opinion. But what exactly are the political aspects of this? Male vs. female? Liberal vs. conservative? Trump vs. Obama? Not sure what you mean. Where did you find the Obama rule where it says believe the accuser if it’s a woman and don’t believe guy? I looked and couldn’t find that any where.
PlayerRep said:JDoub said:read the article, didn't read all the comments.
I believe you Aime.
I'm a Bobcat, and do no want to be associated with anyone like Jay.
I wish I could apologize for him. I wish I could say for him "I apologize. I came on to you incessantly when you clearly didn't want me to, betraying my wife and family, betraying you as a professional and a decent human being. I traumatized you and I was, and am, completely wrong and ashamed. What can I do to make this right by you? You get to decide."
But abusers, groomers, and narcissists don't say those things. They rarely repent, or confess.
I wish Jay would become part of the solution, but he's part of the problem. I hope he sees that someday, and he has the courage to do serious introspection.
Keep being strong, and take trauma seriously -- it's so much more powerful and complicated that most think, it can actually change neurological structures of the brain, and needs to be understood and treated competently.
I actually hurt with you, but admire you for not taking his shit right now. I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's not supposed to be this way.
So, your view is that the announcer was coming on to the reporter and betraying his wife and family, based on what? Anything other than one night of texts when he tried to get her to come down for a drink and texted this?
"“Come down here. We can get drunk and make bad decisions! Lol!!!”
“Looks like we have a love connection!!”
“Don’t fight it…”
“No you don’t. You LOVE me… And you know it! Hahahaha It’s ok, I won’t tell!” Sanderson replied.'
You are sure that that isn't banter between friends, or sort of friends, or minor flirting? You take all of what he said as being serious, and not joking, or semi-joking?
What if other people were to say that the reporter was very social and a flirt at the functions?
What if others were to say that, at least at this time, these two seemed to be friends?
I'm not going to support the guy, or even say that this type of stuff, especially if there was more of it, isn't sexual harassment, but I don't conclude on the basis of what I've read that the guy is a "douche", or that this was a "come on" or certainly not much of one, and that this betrayed his wife and family.
Didn't they know each other for something like 18 months? While not appropriate, if this is all the guy has for moves or a "come on", I don't think his weak attempt or ineptitude was going to get his very far.
Just playing lawyer and devil's advocate. And again, I would have no problem if Learfield/MSU had fired him based just on the one text chain and her saying he grabbed her butt. But, they must have known about those facts for months (since shorty after Sept. 25, or before), and then probably the preliminary conclusion in the draft report in early December, and yet they appear to have done nothing to fire him. Does that not tell you that there may a bit more to this story?
I don't know why she continued to respond to and text with him. Why didn't she just not respond? Why didn't she say: "This is inappropriate and I don't like it. Stop sending me texts." Or, even be stronger, and say: "Stop this or I'm going to talk to (your boss)."
EverettGriz said:They were colleagues; I assume she gave him her number for professional reasons, as she likely did with Colter, with the beat writer for the Cronicle, and likely hundreds of other professional men. The difference is, none of those men sexually harassed her.
I would guess over 250 women have given me their numbers on a personal or professional basis. And yet remarkably, I haven’t sent disgusting or disturbing texts to any of them.
If Jay slapped/grabbed her ass, (IF as the article asserts) it absolutely can be assault.PlayerRep said:Sorry, but the reporter/announcer thing is not sexual assault. It is sexual harassment.
Your 97% figure is just bogus. Please, try to be more objective.
Feel free to give us figures on the percentage of time that sexual harassment claims are true or false. My guess is that no such figures exist.
In my view, anyone who starts talking about survivors is biased.
Spanky2 said:Where do you get the number that 97% tell the truth?
Spanky2 said:Dutch, you mention that you have read 100+ articles, books,studies,cases, etc
Did this give you the knowledge to discuss neurological trauma?