TheBud
Well-known member
I did not write this, but I thought that it was worth passing on. It was written by a Miami grad, so take it for what it is worth...
IRISH KICKOFF NEW SEASON
(UP) Unassociated Press – Miami
Labor Day is here, which means that the nation turns from trivial matters such as the presidential nominations, a housing market collapse, and global warming to what is truly important: college football. Fans across the country rejoice as the coma-inducing baseball season gives way to the high wire excitement of the gridiron. Football season also means another installment of Notre Dame football. This guide is an annual public service to help you sort fact from fiction regarding the upcoming 2007 Irish season. You need an experienced and professional person (me) to prognosticate this year’s prospects for the Fighting Irish.
The easiest way to follow ND football is to press the red button on your remote and sit down on the couch. The only way you could have missed seeing previous seasons’ telecasts was absence due to eyeball surgery. This year is no different since on any given Saturday your viewing choices will be Notre Dame football (NBC), Notre Dame football (ABC), Notre Dame football (CBS), or Notre Dame football (ESPN/2/Classic/News/ESPNU). Captive television network NBC (Notre Dame Broadcasting Company), and its broadcast team of Holtz, Parseghian, and Rockne, will televise the Irish home games in their normal low-key impartial style. NBC locked up the contract renewal by offering to pay Charlie Weis’ catering bills and ND jumped at this unexpected cost reduction from their budget.
This year started out with a splash of thug life drama for the Irish. After another stellar recruiting class by Weis, top prospect Jimmy Clausen rolled up to campus in a stretch Hummer limo wearing gold chains and blasting Dr. Dre on the stereo. The only thing missing was Lindsey Lohan. Clausen was apparently unaware that being flashy in South Bend, Indiana consists of adding a twenty-dollar bill to the roll of singletons wadded up in your pocket. Clausen’s recruiting breakdown from Scout.com on signing day looked like this:
Punk attitude without having proved anything yet – 5 stars
Bling factor – 5 stars
Actual football talent – 3 stars.
While Clausen got all the preseason attention, watch for below the radar Armando Allen to make a big impact this year as an incoming freshman.
Weis’ previous two teams were a big success, at least at the bank; due to their participation in BCS bowl games. They won most games they should have won and were only beat by clearly superior teams (other than Michigan State). This year’s team is more BS than BCS, but could win 8 games if things go ND’s way. Some things we will miss from the BCS-worthy teams of the recent past:
1. Receivers over six feet tall;
2. Hourly updates on the dating life of Brady Quinn’s sister;
3. Darius Walker’s tenth season of eligibility.
Things we will wish we could miss this year:
1. Commentary about Tom Zbikowski’s boxing career;
2. Insane, ridiculous, Ron Powlus-like hype if Clausen ends up being the qb starter.
The following is a run-down of the Irish schedule. This slate is Dolly Parton-esque in terms of being front-loaded. The first eight games are a killer and the last four are basically guaranteed wins. The questions below may be answered after the games are played:
1. Will the Irish start Clausen and can he live down his embarrassing arrival on campus?
2. What will happen if the Irish start out 0-3, which is very possible?
3. Will Charlie Weis ride in a golf cart on the sidelines during games, rather than standing, and is he morphing into John Robinson?
The Games
Georgia Tech (h) – Tech is known as the Rambling Wreck. That certainly described their quarterback, Reggie Ball, and his caliber of play last year. This year is different as Tech actually has a qb that can throw the ball and a capable running back in Tashard Choice. Tech also returns many starters on both sides of the ball and is favored by some commentators to win the ACC. Given the strength of the Jackets, this is ND’s first loss of the season, right? Wrong! ND almost never loses a big matchup at home to open the season. They have punked Michigan for years in under similar circumstances where the Wolverines were clearly the better team but were coached by slug-thinking types such as Schembechler and Lloyd Carr. You heard it here first.
Notre Dame 28 – GT 24
Penn State (a) – There will be a lot of hype about this game after the “upset” from week one. Penn State should beat ND with passing by experienced quarterback Anthony Morelli. In addition, ND players will be blinded by the reflection from the white tube socks on Joe Paterno’s legs that are exposed by his flood-anticipating coaching pants. The disciplined, tough Nittany Lions expose the Irish for the season’s first loss.
Penn State 24 – Irish 17
Michigan (a) – Notre Dame can’t beat a better Michigan team again can they? Away from home, not in the usual first game of the season trap position, they can’t do it again can they? Not with Michigan having Chad Henne, Mario Manningham, Chris Hart, and a cast of thousands of All Americans coming back, can they? Well you should never estimate Lloyd Carr and company’s ability to gag like choking dogs. I don’t think ND can win this game but the Irish have burned the Wolverines too many times to completely count them out. Michigan better hope the game is not close in the last few minutes as Weis may pull unforeseen trickery like a “two-minute drill” that Lloyd Carr is not expecting.
Michigan 27 – Irish 14
Michigan State (h) – The Spartans are in disarray. Clown coach John L. Smith is not long for the job and MSU has lost all of its talented players, including Drew Stanton. This hapless bunch will probably be in a dogfight (and they are dogs) with Illinois and Indiana for last place in the Big 10 (11). Therefore this will be an easy Irish victory, right? As that noted football mind Lee Corso would say, “Not so fast, my friend”! State always gives ND fits and this year is no exception. Weis’ distraction at the pregame training table will hurt his gameplanning and Clausen’s scrambling ability will be slowed by his “Mr. T” starter set of gold chains. Too close for comfort.
Irish 28 – Spartans 27
Purdue (a) – This game has actually become a pretty good rivalry, with Purdue winning its share of the games recently. Since the rivalry is now competitive, expect the series to be dropped any day like the Michigan and Boston College games were just dropped. Somehow the service academies never get dropped from the ND schedule. Anyway, Purdue is well coached but never seems to get over the hump. This year is no different since Purdue always has at least one fatal flaw. The flaw here is their one-dimensional offense, which the Irish shut down in a squeaker of a game.
Irish 17 - Purdue 13
UCLA (a) – Notre Dame had no business winning this game last year as they were dominated by UCLA’s defense. Somehow, UCLA thought the game was only supposed to last 59 minutes so they failed to field their defense for the last minute ND drive to victory. No such inspiring scene will take place this year. UCLA is a team on the rise and playing at home with revenge on their minds, they paste the Irish in the most lopsided game to date.
UCLA 38 – Irish 14
Boston College (h) – Some years this game is Christians versus Christians. Other years it is Christians versus Lions. Look for ND to play the role of the lions in this game. The Irish should triumph given the coaching change at BC. BC’s tough, ex-marine coach Tom O’Brien left to whip discipline into N.C. State (boy do they need it!) and the Eagles will be reeling by the time they reach South Bend. O’Brien’s replacement at BC, some guy with a mustache, will be outmatched by Weis’ offensive brilliance which will be on full display since the ND administration has him on Jenny Craig by this point in the season.
Irish 34 – BC 10
USC (h) – This game was the highlight of Weis’ career two years ago even though the Irish lost due to the infamous push by Bush that helped Matt Leinart score the game-winning touchdown. Don’t look for similar excitement this year. John David Booty will only need one first name to rout the Irish with his offense of eleven future first round draft picks. USC could sub in sweater-clad cheerleaders and still win by double-digits.
USC 31 - Irish 14
Navy (h) – A “classic rivalry.” One that Notre Dame never seems to lose. Somehow, I don’t see this game being dropped from the schedule. Navy’s quaint option offense fools teams like the Fighting Blue Hens of Delaware but is no match for the fast, angry black men like Maurice Crum in ND’s defense.
Irish 34 - Navy 10
Air Force (h) – Another “rivalry” game. Air Force used to beat ND… back when Gerry Faust was the coach. In this century, however, the game amounts to an annual blowout. The Air Force players try to distract the Irish by making “whoosh” airplane noises but those tricks are useless. ND’s margin at the end of the first half is large enough that casual viewers can switch to more entertaining games on other networks.
Irish 42 – Air Force 24
Duke (h) – The Irish schedule now shifts from soft to Charmin soft. Duke was still looking for its first win by this point in the season last year and this year will probably be similar. The Blue Devils aren’t even news in Durham by this late in the year as basketball dominates at Duke. ND would have a tougher time against the basketball starting five than the football team starters. Look for Clausen to be on the sideline Vogue-ing while the subs continue the rout.
Irish 49 – Duke 12
Stanford (a) –The Cardinal ran rings around previous Irish teams using smart-guy clever tactics like “passing” and “zone defense.” Unfortunately for them, Charlie Weis knows much more about “passes” than they do. Stanford will have won its race to the bottom of the PAC 10 by now and new coach Jim Harbaugh will be tempted to double his Paxil dosage after watching his charges mail it in against ND. The inspired Irish end the season on a roll.
Irish 34 - Stanford 13
Final Record: 8-4
